Non-profit Administration

My dream job, I suppose... would be something strongly resembling my MCO experience.  Using my logistics and admin skills to create events and programs that would benefit the community with non-profit work and lots of volunteers.  Trying to create some healing in a world of brokenness.

Taking Criticism

I have serious issues with taking criticism.  I guess it's because my self-identity is so fragile and I'm terrified of being inadequate.  I need to remember that it's perfectly OK that I am not perfect... that no one expects me to be perfect.  I expect myself to be perfect from day one of being on the job or day one of being a wife or day one of being an adult.  I'm only 23, five months married, and my next job will be a completely brand-new start.  The mistakes I make are growing pains, learning experiences, they mean I am trying.  When someone gives me constructive criticism, I can think "Ok, I will do better next time" instead of "I'm a failure! Look at all these times I've been doing this wrong already! I've messed everything up!"  That also ties in with what I read last night about my all-or-nothing thinking.... making a mistake does not mean I have FAILED at everything.  What did they call that?  Global negatives or something?

Anxiety & Self-Esteem

My counselor says my issues are mostly with self-esteem and not being differentiated from my parents still.  I take stronger people's judgement/advice/guilt/everything and absorb it because I'm not strong enough to be my own person. 

I am afraid a lot and wonder somedays if Jared would be happier without me.

Bipolar II

It makes sense, but it's kind of annoying....  I never want to write in this when I'm down, and when I'm up I can think of lots of things I want to write in this but don't want to spend the time because there are 100 other things I can think of doing that feel more important or more fun or what have you.

Big news first, my psychiatrist officially diagnosed me with Bipolar II about a week and a half ago.  That rocked my world for a bit while I read up.  I have rather sudden mood swings into lows and very deep lows but no mania.  Sometimes in between I am hypomanic, which means "little mania."  I never get delusional while manic.  Usually, sadly, my hypomanic stages are much more irritable and anxious than anything resembling "overly happy". 

Dreams

I have lots of crazy dreams.  Not too many nightmares in the last week, which is awesome.  Usually I'm just full of nightmares.  It might be fun to write down some of the less-scary ones.  They are SO random.

Last night I dreamed that I drove out to some foothills to meet a guy who friended me on facebook (before Jared, A.D.).  It turned out he had more of a date in mind than I was expecting and so he freaked out when he found out I was young twentys and he was 56.  So he just stammered something awkwardly about being sorry and ran off.  But that was ok, when I parked my car at the festival thing I met him at, there were giraffes just running around everywhere in the parking lot.  And a giraffe knocked over a light pole and broke it in half, crunching metal and all.  I was concerned, but someone near me assured me it was just fine.

Is it really March 3?  I keep forgetting it's March now.

Depression sucks.

I've had ongoing depression now for six years.  It sometimes takes different forms, but it's always been there at some level.

Hunger

I was thinking today about hunger...

I often get mad at myself for not being more energetic, more steady, for crumbling up into a little ball every once in a while.  Why can't I be stronger?  Why did God create me with a mind and body that "gives out" at times.  I want to conquer and be!  And I remembered today that God sends us things like hunger to remind us that we are so frail, so temporary, and need constant sustenance, rest, and breaks to continue on with today and make it to tomorrow.  I was not made to be invincible, even though I trick myself into believing that I SHOULD be, that it is my fault that I am not, and I often kick myself for not being more than I am.  I was not made to be invincible.  I was thinking today, why did God design our bodies to need food at several times during the day?  One giant meal does not sustain like several small ones; one huge weekly meal on a Monday will not satiate the hunger that comes days or even hours later.  We must eat small meals -- often.  I am reminded that I am frail, and weak, and temporal, and it is OK -- for that was God's design for me.

I need to stop comparing myself to others.  I either beat myself up silly over it or question God and ask him why am I not more like so-and-so, who never seems to break down, or get angry, or be selfish consistently even in their best-laid efforts to be selfless.

God created me to be who I am.  I am not perfect, nor will I attain such status in this lifetime.  God is making me new, slowly chipping away at all the things that crust over my heart and keep me selfish and ornery.   I am here for the journey -- a work in progress.  God, remind me daily to submit to you and take each day one at a time.  I am afraid, at times, to relinquish my control and INVITE you to change me... I know it will hurt and it will be hard.  But I trust you to carry me, to hold my hand when I am afraid, and that in the end it be so much better this way.  Thank you, Father.

Give me this day my daily bread...